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Crunch. Crackle. Riiiiip. Forget wolves howling or sirens blaring – late at night, nothing chills the spine more than the sound of a family-sized chip bag being opened. We're all terrified of waking an irate housemate – or, worse, being asked to share the post-midnight snacks.
Unfortunately, it's a scientific fact that all food-related decibels increase exponentially after dark.
As an act of public service, Fat Shack did a survey to determine which foods are the loudest at night. The initial results surprised us: The soft, seemingly demure milkshake appeared rather high on the list. Meanwhile, the hard and crunchy carrot did not secure the top spot.
The object of Fat Shack research shifted: Why are certain foods louder than others? After years of study, we came up with this formula:
Average Decibels per Bite = Crunchiness + Container + Fear
Let's use the science to break down the Top 5 Loudest Foods At Night.
#5: Milkshake (79 decibels)
At first, a creamy, delicious milkshake doesn't seem like a candidate for loudness; it's completely devoid of crunchiness and doesn't come in a noisy cellophane or paper container.
Its downfall is fear – specifically, fear of perishability. Put it in the fridge and it'll melt. Put it in the freezer and its texture will change. This forces the drinker to face a terrifying reality: If I don't finish this now, I'm missing out on creamy goodness. Time to get slurping! Nothing's louder than someone frantically siphoning dregs from the bottom of a cup.
#4: Carrots (80 decibels)
Carrots pack an incredible crunch, so it's surprising they don't top the loudness list. However, fear plays a factor in the equation – but not in the way you'd expect.
It's terrifying when you wake someone at 2AM with the crackle of a snack bag, but at least you can escape the situation alive. You woke me up, jerk. But I'll forgive you in exchange for some chips.
If you wake someone at 2AM via carrot crunch, you have nothing to offer. No bargaining chip, no possible hope of escaping this one unscathed. I hope those carrot sticks were good, because that was your last meal.
2AM carrot lovers invariably eat quietly – without this trait, natural selection would have killed them off millennia ago.
#3: Sun Chips and Deep-fried Pickles (85 decibels)
These two items produce the same amount of noise, but for completely different reasons.
Sun Chips beat out other chips thanks to their infamously loud bags. Made of an eco-friendly polymer, they produce a huge sound that redefines the word "crinkle." (The 95-decibel model got rehauled in 2011, but the current ones still pack a punch.)
All deep-fried appetizers produce a delicious crackling – add that to the native crunch of a nice pickle and this shareable practically screams "I'm over here!" late at night. Like milkshakes, they don't keep well and absolutely must be finished in one sitting. Biting one deep-fried pickle is kind of like crossing the Rubicon: You (and everyone in the immediate area) is in for a loud series of crunches until every last bite is gone.
#2 Corn Nuts (88 decibels)
Nothing crunches more than a hard, brittle corn nut – that's part of the fun of eating them. And while less deafening as Sun Chips, their metal-lined bags crinkle more loudly than average.
#1 Fat Andy (92 decibels)
The Fat Andy is a classic example of a whole that's greater than the sum of its parts. Loaded with chicken fingers, French fries, onion rings, and mozzarella sticks, it's practically a symphony of deep-fried crackle.
It lacks the native crunch of a Corn Nut and the deafening crinkle of Sun Chips, but the Fat Andy makes up for it in fear. Or, rather, a lack of fear.
Most late-night snacking is sheepish and discreet. You do your best to chew quietly, crunch slowly, and extract chips from the bag with ninja-like precision.
Not with the Fat Andy. After a single bite of Ranch-kissed goodness, all inhibitions melt away. Fear becomes a distant memory as gooey mozzarella, crispy fries, and crackly onion rings bathe your tongue in joy. Before you know it, you're humming softly to yourself.
Your roommate enters the room, utterly irate. "I could hear you moaning from three rooms away. Could you keep it down, please?"
"No, I can't. I'm too happy right now. I need to sing my joy to the rafters. I need to tell the world that happiness is a Fat Andy away.
"I need to tell the world to order late-night snacks at Fat Shack."
